Leptin and Ghrelin – The Great Hormone Hullabaloo
The Great Hormone Hullabaloo: A Hollywood Health Hullabaloo, Part Four
The venue was a rooftop bar in Shoreditch, the kind where the cocktails cost more than most people’s rent and the DJ was playing exclusively ambient whale noises remixed with 90s R&B. Lady Gaga, resplendent in a headpiece constructed entirely from antique brass weighing scales, was clutching a book titled Hormonal Harmony: The Leptin-Ghrelin Love Story.
“Ladies,” Gaga announced, her voice carrying the solemnity of someone about to explain the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. “Today, we must discuss leptin and ghrelin. The yin and yang of appetite. The Romeo and Juliet of hunger. The—”
“Wait,” interrupted Margot Robbie, who had been attempting to build a miniature Sydney Harbour Bridge from toothpicks and was now sporting a small bandage on her thumb. “Leptin and Ghrelin? Are they the two dwarves that Snow White turned away? Because I always felt there should have been more than seven. Like, where was Sneezy’s cousin? Where was Drowsy? Where was Hungry and Full?”
https://sites.google.com/view/sehr-schnell-abnehmen/ernährung-und-nährwertzusammensetzung
Catherine Zeta-Jones, draped in a shawl embroidered with the entire lineage of Welsh kings, set down her sherry with the authority of a woman who had once performed on the West End. “No, no, no, Margot. Leptin and Ghrelin were our neighbours in the Vale of Glamorgan. Lovely couple. He was a retired tax inspector, she was a champion corgi breeder. They had a caravan in Aberystwyth. Lovely people. Always bringing over leek soup.”
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Before Gaga could correct this egregious biographical fabrication, a familiar voice drifted from behind a strategically placed olive tree. It was Rihanna, lounging on a velvet pouf in a jumpsuit made entirely of recycled Fenty packaging, her sunglasses reflecting the London skyline.
https://sites.google.com/view/sehr-schnell-abnehmen/der-große-hormon-streit
“Leptin and Ghrelin,” Rihanna said, lowering her sunglasses with the gravity of a Supreme Court justice. “Those were our former managers. The twins. They insisted we call them ‘The L-G Connection.’ Said it stood for ‘Luxury Growth.’ They once tried to sell my lingerie line to a monastery. I already told you that story. It bears repeating because it was that bad.”
Margot gasped, nearly impaling herself on a toothpick. “Oh my God! Them! The ones who convinced me that a perfume called ‘Eau de Despair’ was the next big thing! They said it was ‘moody’ and ‘introspective’! I smelled like a disappointed ghost for an entire awards season!”
https://sites.google.com/view/sehr-schnell-abnehmen/der-fettzellen-krach-von-berlin
“They were a nightmare,” Rihanna confirmed, nodding slowly. “I’m surprised you’re reading a book about them, Gaga. Those two once tried to convince me that a hot air balloon tour was a viable mode of transport for a world tour. Wait. No. That was the other one. The twins tried to sell my Grammy after-party sponsorship to a company that made artisanal doorknobs. ‘It’s tactile, RiRi,’ they said. ‘You and the fans, touching together.'”
Gaga’s left eye developed a pronounced twitch, followed by her right. “They were not your managers! They are hormones! Leptin! It tells your brain you’re full! Ghrelin! It tells your brain you’re hungry! They work in opposition! It’s a delicate balance! It’s the—”
“I knew it!” Zeta-Jones interrupted triumphantly, tears welling in her eyes. “It’s a love story! Leptin and Ghrelin! Star-crossed lovers! One says ‘stop,’ the other says ‘go’! It’s the Brief Encounter of the endocrine system! I’m going to write a one-woman show. ‘Leptin and Ghrelin: A Romance in Two Hormones.’ I’ll play both parts. It’s very experimental. Very immersive. Very Welsh.”
Margot, meanwhile, had abandoned her toothpick bridge and was now furiously Googling. “Okay, so this leptin and ghrelin thing… you’re saying they affect weight loss? Because if I can trick my ghrelin into thinking I’m not hungry, does that mean I can skip breakfast and have two lunches? Is there a ghrelin-negotiation strategy? Because I feel like there should be a ghrelin-negotiation strategy.”
Rihanna, ever the mogul, was already sketching a business plan on a napkin with a diamond-encrusted pen. “Leptin and ghrelin… I could launch a dual-action supplement. ‘The L-G Balance by Fenty.’ The slogan: ‘One for the hunger, one for the full.’ We could sell specially designed cutlery. ‘The Leptin Spoon’ and ‘The Ghrelin Fork.’ They work in tandem. It’s very synergistic.”
Gaga, feeling her sanity depart her body like a particularly ambitious hormone, made one final, desperate plea. “It’s not a love story! It’s not a neighbour! It’s not a dwarf! It’s not a manager! It’s about sleep! It’s about stress! It’s about eating protein! It’s about—”
“I knew it!” Zeta-Jones interrupted again, now openly weeping. “It’s about love! Blodwen the Dragon always said, ‘Balance is the key to a happy gut!’ It was a very influential programme. I’m going to pitch a reboot to Netflix. ‘Blodwen’s Hormonal Harmony.’ It’s got legs. Metaphorical legs. Not actual legs. She’s a dragon. And now she has hormones. It’s very educational. Very progressive.”
“His legs were definitely metaphorical,” Rihanna muttered darkly. “The man couldn’t even walk to the bank without getting lost. Wait. Which man? There were so many. I’m losing track. The point is, they were all terrible. Especially the twins. They once tried to convince me that a unicycle tour was a viable mode of transport for a stadium tour. ‘It’s intimate, RiRi,’ they said. ‘You and the fans, pedalling together.'”
Margot, meanwhile, had ordered a plate of protein-rich snacks and was staring at them with scientific intensity. “So, if I eat this entire plate of chicken skewers, will my leptin and ghrelin balance themselves? Is there an app for this? I feel like there should be an app for this.”
“That’s… not… how it… works…” Gaga whispered, her voice barely audible over Zeta-Jones, who was now humming a dirge-like tune that she claimed was the original Blodwen theme song, and Rihanna, who was on a call with her lawyer about trademarking ‘The Leptin Spoon’ and ‘The Ghrelin Fork.’
But Rihanna wasn’t finished. She stood up, her eyes gleaming with the light of a thousand questionable business ventures. “Actually, forget the cutlery. I’m thinking bigger. Much bigger. I’m going to make a movie. A blockbuster. I’ll star in it. I’ll be a plumber. Again. But this time, I’m also a hormone expert. And a bird expert. The bird expertise carries over from the last film. It’s a franchise now. ‘The Gut Whisperer 2: Hormonal Boogaloo.’ The tagline: ‘She unclogs more than pipes. She balances more than hormones. She identifies more than birds.’ It’s going to be huge.”
Margot clapped her hands together. “Oh! Can I play the leptin? I feel like I’d be a very good leptin. Very full. Very satisfied. Very—”
“And I’ll write the Welsh children’s TV show adaptation!” Zeta-Jones exclaimed, still dabbing her eyes. “‘Blodwen and the Hormone Twins.’ It’s a crossover event! The dragon meets the dwarves! The neighbours! The love story! It writes itself!”
Lady Gaga closed her book. Leptin and ghrelin, marvels of evolutionary biology, were now a weepy Welsh love story, two rejected dwarves, a pair of defunct con-artist managers, a cheese-eating strategy, and a movie franchise about a plumber-bird-expert-hormone-specialist, all before her fourth cup of chamomile tea. She took a long, deep breath. The conversation had, in its own way, been fully balanced of all meaning. And yet, as Rihanna’s napkin business plan gathered steam and Zeta-Jones began choreographing a hormone-themed dance involving elaborate hand gestures and a plumber’s wrench and a corgi, Gaga couldn’t help but think that this was, perhaps, the most Hollywood understanding of human biology she had ever encountered.
The hormones, as it were, had left the building. And so, she suspected, had her last shred of sanity.
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